Friday, February 5, 2010
TALK or BLOW UP!
Nicole Johnson serves up a cup of laughter. Sparkle Sista's rejoice and laugh heartily together. POWER OUTAGE At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story. "Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Nurse Nancy!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Nurse Nancy skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With my right ta ta squished to a pancake, Nurse Nancy flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and just finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my left ta ta tightly wedged between pieces of square glass) we heard a loud snap, I felt a zap! In complete darkness, the MAMO machine froze with me on my tip toes, the power went off! Nurse Nancy screeched at me in a shrill tone 'I will get maintenance, be right back' and she left me hanging there. 'Excuse me! was my polite blurt of shock! 'You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?' Nurse Nancy's voice shouted from behind the closed door, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...I will leave the door open, the emergency hall lights will keep you from whining. I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba the maintenance man xxtraordinaire, found me ... Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba asked, to my utter disbelief, 'did you know the power is off?' Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' To that Bubba replied 'Well that's not my department, I'll go get an electrician, take care' and he waved good-bye as though I was standing in the line at the grocery store. TWO HOURS later, Nurse Nancy breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?' And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'